drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
