What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
