i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
