i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
