my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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