the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
