based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
