i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I came so hard my ears popped.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
