you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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