I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Pants are for mortals
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
