Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
did i just pee glitter
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
