just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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