I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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