Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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