How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
