just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
