I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
