My hand turned me down
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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