Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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