Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
