My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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