She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
