Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
