I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just threw up on my dentist
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
