it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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