these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
