What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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