i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
