dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
