Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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