if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
