fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize
