My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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