Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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