my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
