Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
