I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
