remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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