she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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