sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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