it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
