why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
a search helicopter?!
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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