What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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