20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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