you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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