I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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