All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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