Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
