Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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