Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
