I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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